Today, my mother asked me if I hate her. I promptly looked at her in shock and was like “what?!” - it turns out that she had a friend who was mentally a little unstable because that lady’s husband had an affair, and pointed a knife at her own daughter saying that she wants her dead. Her daughter told her that she hated her.
That lady is mentally more stable and fine now, but has Arthritis. If you guys don’t know what that is, to explain it very briefly, it’s this constant pain you will get in your joints (most people get affected at the knee area) and sometimes it can get very bad. When it strikes, you won’t be able to move. It’s that painful. Painkillers can only help this much.
Her husband has left her, so she called her daughter up.
Her daughter never came. My mother had to go all the way to the hospital to get her, take a taxi, and then slowly help her to her place. The lady’s walking sticks were at her own place, and the daughter never came to fetch her or get her a walking stick. My mother had to tank her, step by step, till she got the lady home.
It’s a hell of a messed up story.
Here’s something I’ve never told most people. 99% of the people I know, don’t know this. Not even most of my closer friends.
My mother has Arthritis too. She’s been having it for over 10 years. These years I have been seeing her knees get from strong to weak, I have seen her go to many doctors and spending money on medication that never improved her condition. I have seen her go for injections, I have seen her take painkillers and getting so drugged up she has no energy to move around. She chose to stop taking painkillers because they made her lie in bed so much. She’s been trying to travel as much as she can, because she knows that one day she won’t be able to walk anymore. She travels with my dad a lot. Not so much with me, but my dad will take her places. He’s also someone I admire. A perfect husband, although he can get stubborn. He works his ass off to support us and he loves us all so much.
So today my mother asked me if I hate her, then she told me that story. Obviously I don’t hate her one bit. I never ever hated her no matter how much she scolded me or nagged at me or annoyed me sometimes, because I know she always has reasons. But I realised that I’ve never ever said “I love you” to her, that I have been this person who’s always cold on the outside. I have never made her feel appreciated enough. This story made me realise how much I actually meant to her, that if there’s anyone who won’t underappreciate my value, anyone who will definitely love me despite the fact that I’m gay and she’s not come to terms with it, despite the fact that I’m such a lazy bum, she’s probably the only one in the world who loves me so unconditionally. And as I’m typing this, I’m honestly crying my face off. Her unconditional love for me makes me feel less lonely on this planet. She doesn’t understand me, she doesn’t have to, but she loves me like noone else ever will.
I’m probably destined to never be understood, and to never be loved by anyone other than my family. I’m fine with that. But the fact that life has to go on and life cycle means I will have to watch her carry a walking stick one day, that I will have to push her around in a wheelchair one day, that she might not recognise who I am, and perhaps one day point a knife at me not recognising who I am anymore, and that I one day will have to part with her, that kills me. And my dad, the fact that he is working his ass off, the fact that he will have to retire one day because he overworks, it kills me too. I’m not very ready to deal with all that stuff. My parents married kinda late, so they’re getting older and I, as the older child between the two of us kids, am barely twenty. This gives me very little time to pick up the pieces and start supporting everyone else.
I look back on my life now, and wonder - have I been too selfish?
People always say do the job you love, but what if I don’t make it in the design or film or industry? I’ll have nothing to fall back on. Suddenly I wonder, why didn’t I study harder back then, why didn’t I choose to enter sciences (especially Biology) or languages (or even stuff like History or Law), why didn’t I go to a JC, why did I choose this path? This unstable path, this rocky road, affecting everyone else around me? And instead, I chose the path I loved, I chose the path without considering all of that.
I’m not quite sure if I regret it, but it’s too late to turn back. A fraction of my life has already been used up and there’s no time to waste.
If I go on with this road, I can only continue working so hard to be the best. Only by being one of the best can I have a good income to support my parents. To pay them back the heavy amounts of money they have been using on me and my school fees, my life, my medical fees because I am a sickly kid, everything. And my brother too.
And I know in many years to come, my knees might just end up being like my mother’s. I have had occasional knee issues too.
I know I don’t have enough courage to express myself, so I can only write this out. I’m also reconsidering the thing about working in London in the future. I’m not so sure about those anymore. Will I make it far?
Ma, I love you, and I wish you can walk for as long as you can. I promise I will work harder than I’ve ever worked in my entire life and continue working harder than harder. I will try my best to support you guys and I promise myself I will bring you to see Europe and America. Be it on a wheelchair, or not.
It makes my other issues seem so tiny. The fact that I don’t have a lot of close friends, the fact that I have been hurt badly by many, the fact that my close friend isn’t talking to me anymore, all that. This hurts more badly than anything else in the world. It’s always been there, it’s always been growing, it’s always been neatly tucked away. Now it’s just suddenly turned into a monster stomping around in my head.
I need to deal with this.
Okay. I need to stop bawling and start working again.
Reposting because personal reminders. I wrote this 3 years ago.