Sometimes you just can’t help but feel unneeded when you watch the one you love get so much love from everybody else- but of course these stirring feelings of sadness mixed with exhaustion are only temporary. My body is playing tricks on me again. I’m probably just very tired, exhausted, and suffering from dehydration and the lack of sleep. Occasionally I feel sick but I can manage to eat some things. I have so many stories saved to tell her because I want her to be the first one to know everything, and now I just need to buy some new chapstick because drinking water doesn’t help soothe my lips. All my friends are busy as hell as well, and it’s like I’m feeling extremely distant from everybody. I’m almost near the state of self-isolation if not for the fact that I know better than to disappear and delete my presence just because of a temporary feeling.
Man, I miss her so much. It’s sad that she’s getting a particularly busy week coincidentally when I’m having a stressful week as well but hey, that’s life. Sometimes it throws different things at you and sometimes you have to put up with it for a while before you crash into each other’s tired arms, huddling up exhausted from everything. For some reason, her presence is just so invigorating to me. It always has been since the very beginning and I’m glad we are the way we are, because under normal circumstances, we could have never met and we would be way more lost right now if not for the fact that we have met each other and collided, and started being one as something new.
It’s my birthday today and I don’t really care about it. It just feels like any other day. My birthday always falls on either examination dates, or days I have to work extra anyway. It’s very likely that my birthday is closely related to my moods - perhaps this is why both Summer and Autumn always feels the most existentially-chaotic to me. There’s always a pattern somewhere and I know it. There’s my least favourite and favourite seasons.. And in these two seasons I always get very heavily influenced by the temperature and weather as well as the pressure of the chains of the society because it’s all related - are the two seasons I get the most stressed, the highest productivity, but also too easily swayed by impulsive feelings that make me feel like I’m extremely distant from everybody.
I miss the cool breath of Spring. Winter is also too damn depressing. As the world gathers around in their festivities, amongst these people - I feel a one-ness and the more I feel the happiness through them, the more I feel lonely and want to push myself to radiate happiness the same. But how much can I push myself to keep feeling without burning myself out? Because these sleepless nights and these haunting dreams are something else and they all seem to be telling me something. How do I fix this? How do I repair this? I wish I had the answer, but for now I’ll just keep on wondering. I miss those summer days - where we both had lots of time with each other, but some days people are free and some days people get busy. It’s always the case and it’s going to be okay.
I’m going to be okay, and frankly, we’re all going to be. One day we’ll just get tired of thrashing about and learn how to coexist truly as human beings. We start to understand things we never believed in. We experience pain and we learn through these little things.
What matters is communicating and pulling through and at the very least - and one day you will be able to see the true beauty of everything and things you can learn will curb the anger you have to put up with. Great things in life can be achieved. One thing I learnt towards the end of my 21st year in the few months before my birthday is that sometimes we need to put up with people’s flaws as long as they don’t get too overbearing on you - because believe it or not, sometimes these people will push you forwards and strengthen not just your interpersonal skills, but personal beliefs.
I refuse to see myself as a pushover, but more like because I know that if I keep thrashing about being rigid or too imposing, no matter where I go - my presence will always threaten other human beings and I will never be able to learn from anyone whereas they will always continue to take my mind away from me.
I am still me, but I’m choosing to embrace the sadness and guide it towards what I can learn from it so that I can stop being so angry at everything - because when I’m angry, everyone else will feel threatened or saddened by me. It’s a chain effect and I’d rather stop spreading such a feeling because it will always hit right back at me.
I’m probably just exhausted. And upset at the fact that I’ve been having to burn so many off-days away because I have to go around running errands and so I haven’t had the time to sit down and actually be productive doing things and I just feel like I keep procrastinating on them though they’re not urgent but I really want to get these things done but I really don’t have the energy.
I’ll figure it out or something. I probably need to add swimming and more drawing and reading to my daily routine to balance out my brain’s hyperactivity during the wrong timings. And now I shall just go to bed so that I can wake up with a smile when she calls me. :) I’m looking forward to talking to my dear girl. That’s my one and only birthday wish.