No. Really.
I just realised that I have been long forgotten, long replaced, but I have also realised that it doesn’t hurt anymore and that it’s okay.
I will not devalue myself to just being a little erased pixel. I still have potential, and I can still do whatever I want. I am free from all that wishy washy drama, and I have never felt better about myself. I want to hold on to this feeling. This feeling of still having the capacity of deeply loving another, this feeling of joy, this feeling of being able to experience the world again compared to just feeling stone dead two years ago. This feeling of being in control of my mind and partially my heart - this feeling of knowing what to do next. The trip to Japan really opened my mind up. And for once, I know that I won’t be the one reblogging the pictures from Japan - because I know I will be the one posting them. My trip covered so many amazing sights - Tons and tons of cherry blossom trees, tulip exhibition with seas of tulips, the Tateyama Kurobe alpine route where I first interacted with real snow in my life, the villages, the food, sleeping in a yukata on a tatami mat, eating like a king, the Samurai District where they preserved old samurai houses, the Matsumoto Castle, shopping at the FOS, going to Tokyo and experiencing the Meiji Shrine, Harajuku, Shinjuku, Ikebukuro and Ginza (on a road-closed day too, so I walked in the middle of the road like I owned it), the Ramen Museum in Yokohama where I had the best ramen in my life and bought a bunch of old-school Japanese snacks, all first-hand. As I walked along the streets of Shinjuku-ku, Shibuya, chewing on a green tea flavoured biscuit, I knew. I instantly knew. I was contented, I was happy, and for once I felt happy to be where I was. And it’s not just because it’s Japan - no, it could be anywhere. But it’s because I’m free. Free from the cage I created inside my head to trap nothing but my own mind in. I was free to dream, free to think, free to love, free to rage. Free to do or think whatever I want. I was in full possession of my brain. And there was nothing more a control-freak like me wanted more. Absolute control over myself. I never felt more at peace. I allowed myself to just space out, zone out, daydream and just go into a blank - and nobody could stop me.
I hope you’re happier with your life now, because I am. I wish you all the best, although you really don’t care and you don’t even come back here anymore. I know I’ve lost a friend, but if it’s for the better for you and I, I think I support it. And I support you.
It’s the ultimate idealist’s dream, to get away to a different place where you won’t get recognised, where most people won’t pay attention to you - isn’t it weird how people actually will crave to be foreign, different, and unnoticed?
Jikan
As I was talking to Rachel, I was telling her about how 2011 has really flown. I mean, time has always been flying very quickly for me, but I have noticed that it has been flying by faster and faster as the years go by, as I age every year.
While this is also probably scientifically proven - that the older you get, the slower your brain gets, and therefore relative to your surroundings you feel time passing by quicker (which is why a lot of adults admit that they grow to suck at action games that require a lot of speed when they used to play really well.).. I STILL FEEL OLD!
Exactly a year ago from today, at this very moment and time, I saw one of my closest friends (of today) for the first time in flesh. We met up and we barely said much to each other. Went to watch a movie, and caught a cab home. It’s strange how I can still totally remember what that night felt like. In fact, I don’t know if it’s my memory that is doing this or it’s the fact that I felt that time really slowed down, I remember everything that I was wearing that night, which backpack I carried, what time I showered and left my place, my watch, my shoes.. Everything is still very clear to me. Now, I don’t have an eidetic memory and I don’t claim to have it because I don’t, but I do have to say that I have a good memory to certain things.. at this point. And exactly a year ago while we were walking out of the cinema, I remember telling her, “It’s strange, 2010 zipped right past and I feel like I’m not quite ready for the new year yet,”.
But of course, every year I tell myself that I’m ready. Every year I tell myself to make a change in myself. And this is where I will give myself a pat on the back.
Congratulations to myself for holding being single for over a year.
Congratulations to myself for picking up longboarding.
Congratulations to myself for spending more time on work, and on the things I love.
Congratulations to myself, for getting past my 20th birthday.
And for the first time in my life, I had the best birthday ever.
I had a job I loved, colleagues I loved, a person I loved so much loving me back, and in that moment, everything was just perfect.
Though perfect moments don’t just last forever, and that’s okay, because life goes on no matter how tiring it can get, hey, I’m ready for 2012. Bring it on, bitches.
A few days ago I completed my 2011 summary post and I have scheduled it to be published tomorrow afternoon at 12pm. It consists of a lot of names and a lot of dreams and hopes and hopefully everyone can have a good new year.
2011 was good and bad. Mostly great. I’m glad to still be alive.
2012 should be, once again, something waiting for me. Time to bring on the badass. And of course, in 365 days from now, I hope to also be 20kg lighter than I am right now. I’m going to graduate, I’m going to turn 21.. It’s a new point in my life. I’m not quite ready to grow up yet, but here it is. Here. It. Is.
I spent the last few moments of 2010 with a beloved friend, and I will spend the last few moments of 2011 doing the same. Every year, actually, I think I have been spending the final days of years talking to people who actually bother to keep me close in their lives. And for that, I am thankful.
MHC out.
Memory?
Sylvia was talking to me about eidetic memory and how she feels that it’s incredible and that she wants it. As for me, I’m not so sure that I want it..
From when I was a kid, I’ve always had a memory that can possibly be considered as slightly above average (or at least I believe so). Usually I can remember things like most details of e.g. What someone has said to me in our first conversation ever, what someone was wearing the first time they met me, and sometimes just random things people have said to me. They just don’t ever wear away.
Needless to say, that kinda goes for the negative memories too. All the abuse, torture, all the mindfucking, all the passive-aggressive shit and dealing with bipolar people. All the friends who never will be friends again, all the people.
I don’t forget these details. I remember exactly what the conversation was like when someone made me upset and angry on the 11th of February, 2009, at 5:03AM. I remember the MSN font, the responses, just everything. If something upset me that much - yes, I’d remember it. For years and years and years. The person who has upset me for the event stated above probably doesn’t remember a thing about it anymore. Yet I will remember it for as long as.. Idk, not by choice.
I don’t like having a strong memory. For sure, it’s useful, very useful. But it comes with a price and I’m not sure I actually enjoy that. Flashbacks are painful.
Now, if you’ll excuse me.. I gotta go to bed. I’m tired.
When I’ll be a mom, my advice will be this
Mom, he broke my heart:
Mom, I got an F:
Mom, I had a fight with my best friend:
Mom, I have exams soon and I don’t know where to start:
(via fuckyeahlolthings)
Source: ninedaysintoseptember
For my sister Demetria: 7 Ways of Believing in your Life, by Hitoshi Lee.
i. Don’t let someone tell you how to live. If you truly feel that there is nothing wrong with your life, live it. If you’re not committing crimes like theft or scam or harming others or doing something inhuman, there’s nothing to be ashamed about your life. Live it because it’s yours, not someone else’s. Nobody should judge you and your way of living and never allow anyone to do so.
ii. You can worship, idolise and love someone or something, but always remember: Don’t lose yourself. If you lose yourself, nothing else in the world can make you happy anymore. Be yourself.
iii. If there was a choice between freedom and being viewed as ‘correct’, which would you pick? I will rather pick my freedom, life and happiness (of course, as long as I’m not doing anything morally wrong). I’m too busy living my life than to bother what they have to say about it. It’s my life, not theirs. I don’t really wish to become a hardcore slave of Society.
iv. Love everyone. Treat all humans like equals. Conflict is a no-go. Don’t refuse to love someone because of how they look or because of their skin colour. Even if they are irritating: If someone is in your life, it’s a miracle. Breathing and having your heart beating is a miracle. Life is a miracle. Don’t ever forget that and don’t take life for granted and always be grateful to the ones who gave us life, be it your parents or the doctor who helped you into this world. Don’t hate, it’s the people who are/have been in our lives we owe our current selves to. Be grateful to them. Don’t bear grudges for too long.
v. If someone disagrees with you, thank them. You get to hear another point of view, and you also will learn to pick up the confidence to stand firmly by your own beliefs. Don’t be afraid to voice it out. If you don’t voice it out, nobody will know. Be true to yourself. You will be fine. Don’t worry, there’s bound to be people who agree with you or feel the same was as you do. You are never alone.
vi. If everyone thinks the same way, we will all be lifeless programmed robots. Accept what others think. If you want someone to accept and respect you for your thoughts, respect theirs first. Don’t tell them something sucks/rocks just because you don’t like/like it, it might not suck/rock to them. Just tell them you don’t like it/like it and I’m sure they will respect you for your opinion. Don’t force others to agree if you can’t convince them. It’s their choice.
vii. Be flexible. If someone argues or tries to brainwash you just because of something that has been written, ditch em. They’re not worth it. They want an ‘ideal friend’? Get them to go buy a pet. Nothing will go wrong. Why should you live up to what they want you to be? True friends take you for who you are and won’t force you to do things you don’t like, even if they don’t like certain hobbies or interests of yours.
That’s about it so far. I’m having a headache now.. Gosh. ):
Yummy dreams tonight?
Done impromptu, was just playing around with.. Typography, food and Georgia.
Everyone knows what being hurt feels like. So much, sometimes we forget what it really feels like to be happy.
But without sadness, there will be no happiness.
Don’t you think so?
I don’t like this.
I know, I just know. Things you don’t have to tell me, I k ow cuz I feel.
It’s just those vibes I get. It’s just those hunches. I know where I’m bringing myself: to self-destruction I’m pretty sure, but somehow, I’m just contented by keeping quiet right here.
So just watch me as I get blown up. Destroyed. Because nobody takes me seriously anymore. Why am I even being so honest and true when I clearly know that no matter what I do, this path will just unravel the way it’s supposed to.
There are just some things in life you can’t defy no matter how much you want to. It’s like trying to fight a really cruel fate but you know things won’t turn out the way you want to.
Because shit happens. I’m sure nobody likes it to happen to themselves, but everyone needs to learn.
To learn, that time waits for no man. It’s either you survive it and get stronger, or you get trapped forever.
I will not be the me I was a year ago, dwelling on hard facts. I will not spend excess time waiting and trying to turn the tables, because sometimes, the one destined to win that particular round just isn’t me.
We should all mend our own fates, but sometimes fate just wants it his way.
This is just the way it supposed to be, or maybe not?
Things just happen.
Hito, why are you even dwelling back and forth now?
This is so totally not like you.
Everything you do begins with yourself. If you can’t move yourself, how can you move others?
But the courage to move yourself doesn’t come easy.
