In the face of conflict, I find that I have a strong tendency to keep quiet because I’d never know when I’ll say something wrong or ignorant. However, it can be argued that you’ll only learn when ideas are exchanged. One side of me just wants to keep absorbing like a sponge - a reason why I keep to myself so much. But even a sponge will have its own saturation point. What drips from then on are musings like this one or any others that drift by my head.
I have lost a lot of drive to keep writing these days. Mainly because I don’t know the consequences of what my words might trigger at any place at any time. In my metaphysical mind/universe/space, whatever you want to call it, once you release something, something else will come in to take its place. Such constant motion keeps on going. I have been extremely selective with what I say and who I say it to for this reason, and not just because I’m afraid of how it affects people, but how it affects me as a person as well. I somehow believe that with every action one takes, every sentence once speaks, it affects not just the state of mind, but a person’s overall characteristics as a whole. Every inner notion, dismissed or put forth, causes something. Or at least, that’s what I feel sometimes.
Whilst I have struggled to keep a hold on myself these few months, I also realised that evidently everyone else is out there with a mind on their own. I haven’t forgotten, i just have been a little busy with my own thoughts and busy with processing what everyone’s saying and doing in further hopes of learning how to interact with them based on not just their words, but their body language as well. Understanding is one thing I’m constantly having to learn. Some people are more empathetic than others and I have spent most of my life on the opposite end of that scale because of my past.
As introverted as I tend to be with an occasional rush of cynicism, or in some people’s words, “typically INTJ”, growing older also taught me that I can no longer be as carefree and liberal with my actions as I want to be. To “not be bothered by what others think of you” actually has its own boundaries. There are some things that cannot be controlled by an individual that others like to poke fun of and judge them by, and those are the things that one probably shouldn’t bother with. Individualism is one thing, but overboard assertiveness to the point of mild aggression on the scale is another. There is a distinction between the two, often confused by a person’s need to feel understood or validified combined with miscommunication. Of course, I stick to the personal belief that i do accept these people - just that I do not have to be like them because i am ultimately myself, and it’s not like I don’t have enough to figure out on my own already.
But for things within range of control, I am still learning how to not get overly excited while I talk lest I get too loud, learning how to not send off vibes that put other people off or assume that I’m disinterested even though that might not be the case. These are things I have had to pick up (and am still having occasional trouble with) as I go along, as a way to cope. One would be sick of being outcasted or being written off as “anti-social” and “blunt”. Things and circumstances can change over time and my pessimistic world view is slowly shifting. There is enough chaos around as it is, and everyday I try to wake up being aware of it and wanting to absorb as much of the world as I can and let it swirl around inside me. It slowly gets processed.
As much as I do agree that there are a lot of things that are superficial in this world, I have to state that these things are unfortunately mandatory for survival - and I don’t mean that in a crude, sad way. Despite the occasional insult I get that I take quite personally because some people just love attacking me, I still have to get along with certain people to get past my days. What doesn’t kill me shall make me want to fly even harder.
A society has to function, but the lines around the grey areas grow fuzzier to me everyday. I’m still figuring it out. For a person who used to be a very fixed extremist who wouldn’t hesitate to speak up, I have become more withdrawn. And the thing is, I’m not ashamed that I’m quieter or more ‘withdrawn’ compared to what I used to be like. There are lots of things that require critical thinking. Things that require change but are a challenge to fix. The main thing is stepping away from aggression because it does more harm than people know. Staying positive is a challenge and sure as hell tires one out, but for some reason is worth holding onto every once in a while.
Life can throw just about anything in your way, anyone, any job, any good or bad thing. I have gotten remarks that I have become way more “zen”, and i guess that’s just how I truly was when I was a kid. Not forcing things too much faster than they can move, yet not staying stagnant. Life’s a whirlwind, enjoy the ride. Whatever that comes in my way, and whoever I meet, I’d just happily embrace.
I’m writing this at past 4 in the morning from a stressful day, and for some reason that pulls an awful lot of clarity in my head. For once, I’m not tense or anxious about what I’m about to post, or write, or say. Like any human, I have emotions and I have worries, but hanging onto the solidity of my own life itself is the fuel that keeps me going.
I don’t exactly know what my point is so I don’t know how people are going to make sense of what i’m writing here, but I guess what I’m saying is to keep your chin up and keep surfing on. Here’s to a great last two months of work, and looking forward to school starting in June. Cheers.
Now I should really try to get some sleep. Also my left shift key is wonky. Bummer.