Guys, I really don’t know….. It’s frustrating me and I’m getting lots of nightmares and I don’t even know whether I should pull up a new piece or add on to the current one to channel off the negative energy inside my head. I end up being on a notepad spree again which is no bueno because I want to finish this so badly and I have no closure :(

I’ve always had the problem of wanting to get rid of the urge to draw and ending up overdrawing, so I’m pretty nervous about this.

And since it’s art there will be no right or wrong answers, just something tugging at me from the corners of my mind. Oh, such a terrible yet wonderful feeling. I just open my book, stare at the drawing and feel a headache coming, and end up closing it. I haven’t felt this stuck about something in such a long time.

I’ll figure it out. Thanks though..

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Jobs that push me to use Extraverted Feeling consistently feel very productive but literally tiring. But I guess it’s not that bad of a thing to finally be stepping out of my comfort zone to know that I have the ability to literally talk to anybody and stay optimistic about everything.

I’m just constantly worrying about my creativity and when it will ever return to me or if I have completely moved on from it and lost it.

I’m searching for the subconscious mind’s callings. Where do you want me to be?

Alas I know this is obviously temporary. I really need to learn how to manage my time and be disciplined enough to climb out of bed when I need to, though. Oversleeping is a very, very bad habit. One that makes me lose my credibility.

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I walked around the city for about eight hours today. My feet hurt. Strangely, despite having looked forward to today I barely had any appetite for either of my meals. My photographs were, in my opinion, less than satisfactory and I feel terrible for me using the lack of mastery on my new lens as an excuse. It’s a bad excuse. I’m just not good at it yet and I wish there was something I can do to master it quickly, but there’s nothing I could do. The weather wasn’t favourable as well, so I was very disappointed. I still am. For some reason, I just wasn’t creative today. I was just binding myself in the restrictive zone again, being unable to think. It’s almost like I’ve lost my soul or it’s almost like I wasn’t exactly there. I’m disappointed. I’m disappointed. I’m disappointed.

I’ll work harder.. 

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Handicapped

Remember how I once wrote in this entry that although I’m naturally a leftie, my right hand is being used for anything that requires precision?

Well, my entire side of my right palm is being injured all the way from the fingers down to the wrist, making me unable to use my finger strength (that’s what she said LOL)…. Fuck, in a nutshell it just hurts like crap and it’s swollen and my entire right hand (hand, not arm.. like just then wrist to all fingers HAHHAHA THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID)

I woke up in the morning feeling like gagging again. I also have a stomachache. Yay exciting, I don’t even have enough strength to properly cut my fingernails or brush my teeth..

Seeing the physician tonight, hopefully. I’m really uncomfortable here.. and there’s nobody for me to whine to LOL.

Okay bye. 

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:’(



.. Tumblr is such a warm and lovely place. You guys make me feel bad for even thinking of quitting.



I’ve got a knee wrap support thingy on now. I’m going to see a sensei on Saturday to try to get it eased and see what they’ve got to say. Although, I dread it. Senseis are always painful as fuck..

You guys have no idea how upset I am. LBL is just about to bring in the Earthwing Miniglider I have always wanted and I also wanted to buy a Never Summer Revolt. But now? What’s the point of buying if I won’t be able to skate for a long time?

Sigh.

It’s late. I’ll go to bed now.. 

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Yah.

It’s just a ligament tear, I know, but it’s got no cure and I’ll have knee problems from now on. I’m only fuckin’ 20 years old, I’m not prepared for that shit yet. I still have so much walking and running to do in my life. And now this?!

Nope.. Having trouble accepting it. I’m so sad..

Everyone is telling me that I’m most probably facing a ligament tear.. Why can’t it be something else? Why?! :’(

.. Should I go for surgery? Perhaps I should go see another doctor soon and get an MRI scan and prepare for early treatment.

"Have faith," someone told me. Have faith in what, exactly? To a person who doesn’t believe in religion, what can he possibly have faith in? Lady luck? Probability? Perhaps sometimes it’s true that all people need something to believe in when there’s things happening to them beyond their control.

I just want my girlfriend right now. 

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Did I mention that I had a nightmare regarding the Vashta Nerada?

Ya, I was on an expedition in another place. Another old deserted mansion I had to get out of, starting from the cellars. The house was full of Vashta Nerada and everywhere I went I seriously kept staring at my own feet and looking at my own shadows. There was a group with me and I was like “may I suggest a system to let everyone look out for each other’s shadows” and stuff.. I didn’t dare to even walk a few steps without freaking out. And everyone around me wasn’t even treating me seriously. And people started to get consumed one by one. And then the voices from their data chip just kept ringing in my head.

"Hey! Who turned out the lights?"

.. What a freaky dream.. I was so nervous and anxious I nearly got a panic attack. 

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I feel like shit.

- I left work at 10PM. I also feel insanely sluggish and lousy. I just feel like I’m not doing good enough.. I am so shit at editing.

- I’m worried about the gf’s x-ray.

- I’m tired. Really tired. I also had motion sickness on the bus due to myself being more tired than usual.

There’s just no time for myself at all.. Omg. 

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Fucking tired.

Can’t even.. Ugh. The only downside about working life = no more sleeping in.. I miss sleeping in till 4pm. I now wake up at like 7AM and sleep at like 11PM or some shit.

Exhausted exhausted exhausteddddddd. And I don’t like Apple Motion. Also, Facebook needs to fix its iPhone app soon.