myhotCaffeine: Blog

Dear self,

let it go, let it go. This is water. This is water. Let it go.

I can’t control things, and I guess that’s fine. No matter how unfair that I feel it is, if it has to happen, I’m just going to let it happen. After all, there’s no point messing around with what has already happened. It’s not as if anything can ever be the same. Nothing stays the same. Nothing is supposed to stay the same. That’s the entire point of time and space. It never stays the same.

I think it’s about time to change this part of myself. I used to never be able to tolerate being taken as the bad guy because I don’t bear ill intentions towards the people I care about. So I always try to clarify it so so hard, I try so hard to fight for what I feel is precious to me. Sometimes, whatever for? If they don’t trust me, don’t have faith in me, or withdrew their portion of friendship, whatever for?

I’ve been pondering so hard about this for years. And I just realised that there is no actual need for me to take any shit from anyone. If someone refuses to listen to my explanation and deems me a bad person, so be it. I think I’ve accepted the fact that I can’t please everyone. And I’m not perfect. I mean, I do try. But if you slip up, I think a friend who is true enough will forgive you and put things behind and actually give you chances. I know I would do that, and it’s not that I want to appear calculative, but yes, I would. I have put so many things behind for so many people. And I know not many people would do the same. They all say it, but talk is so, so cheap. Not wanting to brag. Not wanting to make myself look good. This isn’t about looking good. I would. I would forgive a person I cared about. No matter what, I give chances. I always give chances. It’s in my nature. People tell me I’m too naive, I’m too stupid, that I’m a pushover, but no. I believe that everyone deserves second chances. I keep giving them, because I believe that one day I will definitely need chances too. And I will hope people give me chances as well. But hey, karma, what is karma? I’d like to believe that karma doesn’t exist. So it doesn’t matter anymore. I know some people who have done that after I messed up, big time. Those people are still with me, until today. And if you simply can’t put the past behind you and keep dwelling on my faults, then fine, I don’t blame you, but you aren’t worth my time either. And if I do ever dwell on yours, yes, I’m not afraid to say it - I’m probably not worth your time either. Don’t treat me nicely.

If people want to walk away, so be it. Nobody deserves shit from anyone. True, they don’t deserve the shit from me when I’m being shitty, but I don’t deserve the shit from them when they’re being shitty either. If you can’t tolerate my shit, don’t expect me to tolerate yours. Don’t forget, you’re not flawless either. Nobody is. So suck it up or just go away. Do what makes you happy. And if being my friend doesn’t make you happy, then don’t be. It’s always simple, why complicate things? Yeah true, it’ll hurt, but I rather it sting now then sting more in the future. Why bother.

The root of my problems is seriously truly because I care. I care, far too much. One of the things that hurts the most is me being seen as a hideous creature to the people I care the most about. But I’m tired. I can’t please everyone. I messed up. So be it. I shall just shut myself far away. Who knows how long I’ll take to recuperate this time. After all, the way I think is simple: obsessive, and involuntary. I don’t look forward to these dreams that I’m about to have.

Goodnight, world. And no, I don’t need anyone’s sympathy. I just needed an outlet. Blogs exist for a reason.

Lightning keeps flashing outside my window. It’s as though there’s a broken bulb in my room. Everytime the flicking stops, I hear the clock ticking. Or my AC creaking. Or myself breathing. Or my hair growing. Or my skin tingling.

I’m not in the mood for rainy weather.